As I was waiting for my drink, I started making small talk with the cashier. I told him how I was there to write in peace.
Curious, he asked, “you said writing? What kind of writing?”
There it was. The question that forces me to own up to my passion…or not. I felt the hesitation in my chest, opened my mouth, and almost apologetically said:
“I’m actually trying to write a blog..And I started a book.”
What the hell?!
Trying to write a blog? What is this, chopped liver?
Even worse was the next question: “Oh, really? What do you blog about, anything in particular?”
Damn it, quit challenging me!
“Well…I mean, I try to live a Zen-inspired lifestyle. So I kinda write about that.”
What’s this half-in bullshit? I said it as if I already expected him to think I was a freak – “Zen? Weeeeirdo….” And I kinda write? How does one kinda write?
Turns out, the guy actually thought it was pretty cool. We talked for a few more minutes, and I sat down with my coffee, questions abound.
Why was I so hesitant to share my passion? Why was I apologizing for it, minimizing it? Expecting the worst?
It’s always like this when someone asks about what I’m doing. It takes a great deal of courage for me to even utter the word “writing,” let alone go into detail.
I think I’m buying into what “they” say: Writing doesn’t pay the bills. Everyone has a blog nowadays. Zen – what the hell is that? So when you meditate, you’re like floating in the air? (I’ve honestly been asked this question.)
I’m allowing my ideas about the beliefs of others to destroy my ownership of my passion.
How can I just assume that someone will think I’m weird because I’m into Zen? Or that they’ll think my writing is stupid?
Is it possible that I’m thinking these things about others because, in some way, I believe them myself?
Maybe I see myself as a little strange, my beliefs a little “out there” according to mainstream society.
But even bigger than that, my lovely readers, I’m gonna let you in on a little secret:
I don’t believe in myself.
Not completely anyway. It’s quite clear based on my responses to these inquiries.
If I believed in my abilities and myself as a person, I’d proudly declare, “I’m the writer of Zen Caffeine!”
So I’m not there yet…but I’m working on it. Before, I never even told people I was writing at all. Now, I’m at least sharing my blog’s existence, albeit with a little hesitation.
I’m sure it will be a process, but I will get to the point where I can proudly claim my passion.
Well…I’m gonna fake it ’til I make it.
I’m going to continue writing, posting 3 times a week, appreciating my readers. Even if I think I’m no good, or doubt that anyone is reading – I’m going to keep going.
I’m going to show myself that I can do it.
As I do this consistently, it’s bound to build self-esteem and a firm belief in my ability to actualize my dreams.
You’ll see. Someday soon, you’ll read a post telling you how I boldly declared myself a writer to a stranger (or scarier yet, a family member), no apologies. I’ll post Zen Caffeine as my work info on Facebook.
You’ll see. We all will.
If you have any tips to help me along the way, I’m all ears! Like I’ve said, I’d love to learn from you.
Peace, love and the bravery to proudly claim your passion,