You want a quick fix for eliminating anger?
Me, too.
But as I learned this weekend, after a temper tantrum and a bit of mindfulness, it just doesn’t exist. Read on and I’ll tell you how to deal with it anyway.
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Sunday was my guy’s birthday bash – a surprise outing to the city for bowling and boozing with some of his good friends. Though I’m not much a fan of large groups, I was pretty excited to go.
Until Saturday night, when I found out the dress code: dressy casual, which did not include my pre-planned jeans and cute top ensemble.
Cue the rage.
I seriously don’t know where the hell it came from, but I was mad. Like blood boiling, out-of-control kinda irritation. It was like an out-of-body (or maybe out-of-mind) experience.
I know, it sounds completely ridiculous - I was freaking out over a stupid outfit?
Look, you gotta understand: I have zero fashion sense. None. I’m lucky I match most days.
So the pressure of having to actually look nice was enough to bust my “maybe this will be fun” bubble.
I hadn’t been that irritated in quite a while – I was skipping along through life, smiling at my serenity and enjoying the absence of anger.
Then suddenly, there it was, full force.
I didn’t know what to do with it.
First, I let it run rampant. My thoughts snowballed in a catastrophic sequence:
- OMG I have to dress up?! I have nothing to wear.
- Even if I did, I don’t have any sense of style. I can never put anything cute together.
- Everyone else there will probably look super cute. I’ll never look as good as they will and I’ll totally stand out.
- Then I’ll be even more awkward, because I’ll LOOK awkward.
- I’m totally gonna ruin my boyfriend’s birthday bash with my awkwardness.
- I’m not even going.
And so on…
Yes, I know, it’s ridiculous. Trust me. But that was my brain on anger.
After I threw my 3-year-old style tantrum, at one point, my higher self nudged me: You don’t know that any of this will even happen. For all you know, you could find a cute outfit and have a great time.
Of course, my inner toddler screamed back, “NO I WON’T!” , and I went back to my tantrum.
And so it went, back and forth: “You’ll be fine” versus “The world is ending!”
There was one major difference between this and previous tantrums though: I was aware of what was happening.
I knew I was being ridiculous. I knew that things would probably turn out okay.
Did it take away that crappy feeling that anger brings with it? Sure didn’t.
But, in some way, it made it easier to deal with. Just that awareness of my mood brought with it an underlying current of peace, even if I couldn’t feel it right then.
Has this ever happened to you? (Please don’t tell me I’m the only raving lunatic crying over clothes here)
Have you ever tried to get rid of a negative emotion? How’d that work out for ya?
I’m learning that you can’t escape them. They’re going to happen, awareness or not. You’re going to still feel angry, sad, hurt – awareness or not.
And sometimes, you’re gonna be mad about something completely stupid (like an outfit). It happens.
You can’t stop it from happening, but you can get through it in tact. Here’s how:
How to get through a bad mood without ripping your hair out:
- Acknowledge how you’re feeling. Are you over-the-top angry? Super sad? Acknowledge it. Vent. Rant. Let it out – probably the worst thing you could do is pretend that you’re not feeling that emotion. Honor it. So for me, that meant a 4-page text message to my best friend and whining to my dear mom.
- Really get into the why. Why are you so upset? On the surface, it would seem that I was just mad over not having an outfit, but really it was so much more than that. I was nervous about being in a group and feeling uncomfortable (the outfit was just the last straw).
- Challenge the reasons. I was mad because A) I have very little fashion sense and can never put anything cute together; B) I was gonna be uncomfortable and awkward; C) I was probably going to ruin my guy’s good time. Challenging them, I was able to see that these things aren’t necessarily true, and that by obsessing over them, it was more likely that they would be true. I remembered other times when I went out in a group and had tons of fun; how I clean up nicely when I need to; that my guy wanted me at his birthday, and me being quiet wouldn’t ruin his fun. So where is your bad mood coming from? Are you letting irrational or untrue thoughts get you down like I was?
- Short-circuit the snowball effect. If you’re in a crappy mood, it’s way easy for those negative thoughts to spiral out of control. But at some point, you have to say enough is enough. I did my fair share of that this weekend, but eventually I began to cut ‘em off, and the snowball would stop after 2 or 3 negative thoughts (versus running rampant and ending in tears). The snowball effect is gonna happen – but how far you let it go matters. For example, once I realized what I was doing, I decided enough was enough…But of course, the thoughts kept coming, and I began to try to run with them: “I don’t have anything to wear. This is gonna suck. I’m going to…” And I’d stop myself. I’d remind myself that I don’t know how it’ll go, and catastrophizing the future is not going to help the situation.
- Feel what you feel. Don’t try to stop it. Trying to stop being angry is probably just gonna make you angrier, because you can’t. Honor that feeling, sit with it, be there for it. In his book “True Love,” Thich Nhat Hanh says this of anger:
If something negative comes to the surface, such as your despair and anger, you need the energy of mindfulness to embrace it.
Breathing in, I know that anger is there in me.
Breathing out, I care for my anger.
This is like a mother hearing her baby cry out. She is in the kitchen, and she hears her baby wailing. She puts down whatever she has in her hands, goes into the baby’s room, and picks it up in her arms. You can do exactly the same thing – embrace the pain that is coming to the surface.
6. Know that it won’t last forever. When you’re in a bad mood, it feels like it’s never gonna end. But you know, somewhere underneath the sadness, anxiety, whatever, that it will. Remind yourself of this. Your inner toddler may resist and yell back, but that’s ok. On some level, it’s hearing the message.
Do these steps get rid of the anger?
No. But they’re not supposed to – that’s the point: You can’t get rid of negative emotions (at least not always).
No matter how much you smile, brush it off, or stop your mental train wreck of streaming thoughts, the emotion will still be there. You still have to experience it.
But those strategies help you deal with it a little better than the alternative: avoiding the experience, pretending you’re okay, getting mad because you can’t stop being mad, and letting your thoughts run out of control.
Honor every part of your experience, even the bad parts.
That’s what I did, and while the anger certainly lingered, I was able to get through it without totally losing my mind (though my mom might argue that one 
)
I’m happy to report that the next morning, I woke up determined not to repeat the previous evening. The first outfit I tried on worked (so I didn’t have to go shopping – YAY!!), I got ready in plenty of time…And guess what else? I had a BLAST. I was still quiet, yes, but not so unbearably awkward that I was miserable. I was just social enough as was comfortable for me (and maybe a little more, after the giant fishbowl of rum-filled punch).
My ridiculous tantrum the night before was so wrong. I’m glad I got over it and had a great time.
I write this to show you a different way to experience negative emotions. You don’t have to run from them, try to stop them or let your thoughts run you into a frenzy. Harness the power of mindfulness and be present for your anger: drop the snowball effect, honor the experience, and know that you’ll come out on the other side.
No tips and tricks to be 100% positive and sunshiny (if you figure it out, lemme know!) – but 6 steps to dealing with the negative emotions that are bound to pop up.
How do you deal with negative emotions? Do you ever notice the snowball effect of those bad-mood induced thoughts? (That’s the worst part, I think!)
Peace, love and a steaming cup of Zen,
- Kaylee
Excellent points and perspective, Kaylee. It’s so true that we can’t get rid of our negative emotions most of the time. We just have to sit with them. But your tips for how to not freak out about your feelings are great.
But what I want to know is: Who wears dressy casual to a bowling alley? Maybe I’m just getting old . . .
LOL that’s exactly what I said!! To be fair, it was an “upscale” bowling alley (with a dress code). It was a really cool place – but definitely not requiring a dress as suggested. So I’m super glad I didn’t – otherwise my score might’ve been even lower!
Anywho… I’m glad you liked the tips, Bobbi! It makes those negative emotions suck just a tiny bit less, I think.
You’re not alone. This happens to me more times than I care to admit.
Another tip, for the ladies specifically. I’ve noticed that I only get easily angered when it’s near or is that time of the month! It’s all because of the hormones!
When I suddenly feel that “rage,” I let it out for a bit. And then when I sit down and think I remember the “monthly visitor” and I calm down.
Mostly, I think what makes me angrier is not knowing why I’m so angry and then feeling guilty baout it. When I have an explanation, it goes away pretty easily.
In this case, my tantrum wasn’t a “monthly visitor” dealio – though I am sooo familiar with those outbursts, ha ha. I do the same thing then – just remind myself that it’s the hormones screwing with me.. Then I don’t take those emotions so seriously and they’re easier to deal with and let go of.
I can definitely see that, Glori. ‘Cause if you know what’s bugging you, you can either fix it, challenge the reasons if they’re irrational, or at the very least understand, which is kind of a relief. It is pretty aggravating though, when you’re angry and don’t know why – that’s usually when I can tell that it’s hormonal.
Mindfulness really is powerful. The past few weeks I’ve started mindfulness meditation – I try to do at least 15 minutes a day. The biggest benefit I’ve noticed so far is mindfulness (I was hoping for anxiety reduction/mood improvement, etc…).
I use to (and still) frequently have ridiculous emotional responses to things. Just this morning, I had to call my accountant. And I got super anxious and nervous. That’s ridiculous - I pay him (and I also studied a bit of accounting in school). A few months ago I had to prepare for my written driving test, to get my learner’s permit. I was so anxious I ended up memorizing the manual front to back (the test was soooo easy, and I ended up getting a 100% on the test). I mean WTF, if I do bad I can come back in 2 weeks and take it again. I mean I frikken graduated cum laude and I’m afraid of a frikken driving test. WTF. It’s not just you.
But now, with the power of mindfulness, I actually notice myself going into these patterns. And I can recognize that its not rational; its biological. And that is so empowering.
How do I deal with negative emotion?
For example, yesterday at a writing group someone criticized my work. My conditioned response was to meet each of their criticisms with logic based argument (all in my head), but I finally realized that as a human criticism hurts me and was then able to move on.
I accept that my body is feeling something negative, and then I try my hardest to move on. I use to try to tackle things from a rational perspective, but that just never worked with something as irrational as emotion
After learning about how the carthisis theory of emotion processing is more harmful than accurate, I realized I don’t actually have to ‘deal with’ negative emotions in one sitting. That too has been empowering.
Awesome, Amit. Noticing those negative patterns is just the tip of the iceberg for how powerful mindfulness can be. And I totally didn’t think about how empowering it is – but you’re so right! Thanks for bringing that to the light.
I’m glad you’ve found a way to deal with your negative emotions effectively. Thanks for sharing..
BTW, you say with meditation you were “hoping for anxiety reduction/mood improvement, etc….” – keep going. I’ve always struggled with severe anxiety (sometimes for no reason at all – I’d wake up with knots in my stomach), and through meditation I’ve been able to relieve most of that. Sometimes it still bubbles up (due to hormones, stress, who knows), but it’s not a constant like it used to be.
Would you keep me updated? I’m curious to know if meditation will do the same for you – or what it will do, at least.
I sure will. I’m also hopeful of those benefits, the studies are extremely convincing – I think all that’s missing is a bit more time.
Waking up with knots? That’s crazy! Although I can relate – I was once prescribed steroids. Those things made me like a crazy raging PMSing pregnant women. The anxiety because of the steroids got so bad that I had to take other drugs to counteract the steriods, even weeks after I’d stopped using um. Go figure
btw, what was your score?
Umm… I don’t remember exactly, but I think the first game was 60-something and the second not much higher. For some reason, I can *NOT* get the ball straight. When my hand gets to where I let go, my arm is always crooked. I was doin’ okay for a while, but it always goes back to being off kilter. Ohhh well. It was fun anyway!
60-something. lol, nice
that’s better than 0 I guess.
Awareness… totally…. feeling the feelings… yep
I still work on letting go of it afterward, there is no reason to bring my vibes down by re-living it over and over again. so teaching myself to feel the emotions and then let them flow through me like water or watch them float by like clouds.
Phew, glad I’m not the only one.
I like the water/cloud exercise – reminds me of what we used to do in meditation class. Thanks for sharing, Lori. 
Hi Kaylee, sounds like a huge emotional reaction and who knows where that came from? I use a healing modality called EFT – Emotional Freedom Techniques… this is tapping on energy meridians to release blockages. It would help for things like this. I’ve used it to overcome my fear of crossing bridges and for relationship issues. Like you, I don’t like to go to events with a crowd, and usually feel extreme reluctance. But I know I always have fun once I get there! I should use EFT for that too…
Hey Linda. It sure was a huge emotional reaction.. It came from a lot of places: feeling overwhelmed and insecure, being busy and stressed.. It sure took me by surprise though.
I’ve *heard* of EFT but honestly don’t know much about it. Sounds like my kinda thing though, and if it’s helped you, it might be worth looking into! Maybe that would help with my anxiety too (meditation helps quite a bit, but it still lingers sometimes). Thanks for sharing that info, Linda. Off to Google…
Hey Kaylee,
My 19 month old son has you beat hands down in the tantrum department. So don’t worry about showing up the youngsters with your sporadic tirades.
Like you, I’ve come to realize you can’t just snap your fingers, take a few deep breaths, and then be rid of negative emotions. But when I get too deep in a funk or into a state that might lead to anger I remind myself: it’s your choice to be feelings these emotions right now. MY perception of the events outside and inside my head can be changed quite easily and most of the time even those irrational feelings can be squashed (slowly).
Either I’m doing something right or life is just too good to me. It seems like as the months and years progress I have less and less to feel negative about.
Ha ha, well I’m glad my tantrums are a little better than his, at least.
And hopefully less frequent.
Joel, I feel the same way; these days, I hardly ever get in one of those ridiculous moods – there just doesn’t seem to be anything worth getting that worked up over. Go figure that an outfit would be the thing I get crazy about! :
Recognizing that you have a choice is another really powerful tool; for me, I find it works best in long-term funks, not temporary outbursts of irrational nonsense, ha ha. Seems like it’s a great pre-emptive strike against bad moods, and is important to know in general: you always have a choice. Thanks for the reminder, Joel!
Yeah, wearing a dress to a bowling alley just seems counter-intuitive!
but seriously, I do appreciate this gentle guidance on navigating that roller coaster of emotion that can hit without warning (and generally without any valid provocation). It’s funny how we can get the most wound up about the silliest stuff, isn’t it? I’ve definitely been there with the outfit conundrum. Right now I live in a small town where fashion is so not important to most folks. So, I can also shrug it off and say ‘oh well, it’s just Humboldt.’ But when I visit the big city I get all tied up in knots just contemplating what to bring and wear!
I love Thich Nhat Hanh. Thank you for sharing that beautiful quote!
Sounds like you can definitely relate, Sarah! It’s nice that you can kind of relax about it most days though. I live in the suburbs, decent size, so it’s not like I’m surrounded by fashionistas, but people generally have a good sense of style. I don’t care much about the everyday though – it’s just those special occasions that really throw me for a loop. But you know what I’m talkin’ about!
I love him too.
So much gentle wisdom – I definitely recommend that book, “True Love”. No prob Sarah, thanks for sharing your experience!
Timely post, as my whole weekend is currently focused on negative emotions. I know why, I know there is some justification behind it, but that negative emotions aren’t going to solve everything. At first, I tried to force them away, but that doesn’t work. So now, it’s back to journaling and just getting past it, clearing my head, and giving myself time.
Awesome post
Glad this came to you at the right time, Dolly. I love that you said “negative emotions aren’t going to solve everything” – that’s exactly it. There usually *is* a justification for a negative emotion, but what do you gain by holding on to it? The problem isn’t really the emotion, it’s the story we make up to go along with it. That story – the snowball effect – is what makes things so much worse.
Anywho… The weekend has passed, I trust the negative emotions have too? I hope peace has found you well, Dolly. Thanks for your presence.
Hi, I appreciated the honesty of your share. I think I would be angry as well if I felt like I was being dragged into a situation where the way I looked was going to be harshly scrutinized, and people I loved were also going to be judged based on it. It sounds like you let go of the sense of life-or-death importance that surrounded the event for you and became able to have fun.
Hey there. Honestly, nobody cared what anyone else was wearing – I was creating this story in my head (as we so often do). I think we can all relate! But you’re right, I did let it go and had tons of fun.
Thanks for reading and sharing your thoughts, Chris.
Btw – “Steve’s Quest” sounds pretty cool! I love musicals, and can totally relate to the cube farm aspect.
HI Kaylee loved your article, great story I was in it with you! Anger from nowhere I hear you girl! I recently did 4 sessions of Bio Energy Therapy which worked a treat, I am much calmer and at peace – no more temper tantrums
Hey Ciara! Glad you liked it…and that I’m not the only one!
I’ve never heard of Bio Energy Therapy – what is it?
Kaylee it’s a healing technique which balances the energy in and around the body. The therapist works on the chakras to realign them. It’s amazing you can feel heat, tension and sometimes pain without the therapist even touching you!
Really? That’s crazy awesome! Sounds right up my alley… I wonder if there’s a therapist in my area. Hm.. Thanks for the intro, Ciara!
What a funny, true story. We all have had tantrums and anger appearing out of no-where. This was a enjoyable post to read and reminder to all of us about our anger. Most of time my anger comes from the feeling that I am not being heard. All we need is someone who listens sometimes.
That is SO true, Jane. One of my best friends, when I’m upset, will just ask: “Kaylee, what’s wrong?” And then will genuinely, completely listen. It makes you feel loved, y’know?
So yeah, I can definitely see how that’d make you angry, not being heard. Anyway, I’m glad you enjoyed reading this.
I enjoyed writing it – that was way more fun than actually *having* the temper tantrum!
I loved the fact that you wrote about being real. None of this just choose to be happy sort of thing. I do think there are times to embrace it and not push it away. Recognize it for what it is and I think it does take us places to find what our true needs as well as fears are.
Great post, as always.
Thanks Jt, I’m glad you could appreciate it. Initially, I was worried I’d look silly, freaking out over an outfit, but y’know what? It happens. And I wanted everyone to know that despite all the Zen stuff, the mindfulness and peace, I still have my moments (and always will).
I think you’re very right – emotions like those take us places we otherwise might not reach. As like most things in our life, they definitely serve their purpose, even if they don’t feel good to experience.
Glad you liked it, Farouk. =)
I would like to suggest a technique which helped me to cope with the anxiety. To say “anxiety” is not to say a 1/100 of what I had. It all started after I recovered from a nasty-nasty brain infection, it might have disbalanced some amino-acids in the brain and as the result, I started having uncontrolled mood swings from euphoria to terror. It was plainly unbearable, I was so miserable, noone could help me, even strongest anti-depressants were almost ineffective, not to say about merely saying to myself “why worry?” – this was the worst to do, because it was a guaranteed entry into vicious cycle of ever worsening self-harassment. Any little worry triggered a growing chain-reaction which ended with me being totally devastated and exhausted.
A psychologist suggested method of meditation, which for myself I called “strain-relax” method. He suggested to imagine peaceful images during this, this somehow was next to impossible for me, so I just stuck with the physical part for it which by itself just made miracles.
Very simple – you start from muscles of your head and neck, then go arms, then torso, abdomen, pelvis, legs and then all in reverse. The best way for me to practice this was lying on a bed. You gradually strain the muscles for about 10 seconds and then gradually relax them. Example, starting from the head muscles – mouth and cheeks – gradually (slowly!!) strain them (no need to over-zealously tense every fiber of yourself, just firm strong muscle grip) hold strained for about 8-10 seconds and then gradually release this tension, just let it go, but not instantly. Do this 2 times on mouth-cheeks. Then 2 times on closed eyelids, then on neck, shoulders, biceps, triceps, forearms, fists, chest, abdomen, thigh, calves, feet (not so hard so that you dont get cramps). Make about 20 seconds pauses between each call.
Do all this two times per session, one or two sessions a day. Complete session should be lasting for about 15 to 20 minutes.
THAT’S ALL. Painless, costless method which recovered me and put back into life.
Wow, where you started sounds like a terrible place to be emotionally. I’m so glad to hear that you’ve recovered and have found peace.
I’ve heard of this before as a relaxation technique, but never thought to use it to relieve my anxiety. And if it did that much for you, I’m sure it’d help my mild anxiety that pops up. I’ll try this the next time it does…Thanks for sharing, Myaso. =)
Jen and I are very excited to share Rory’s first photo shoot at the hospital and we are including the link for you to view at this site-
https://chicago.bellababyphotography.com
Click on “view photos” and enter Jen’s e-mail address (jcotovsky@gmail.com) and password: lell0902cotovsky
Aww, Greg!! He’s precious!!! =) Congrats to you and Jen, you’ll be amazing parents.
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