Imagine this: you’re in Antarctica. You’re walking across a sheet of ice, surrounded by nothing except some trees very far in the distance. You’re treading on thin ice, and you know it. You feel the impermanence of the stability beneath your feet, and with each step, you hold your breath.
Suddenly, the ice breaks. Your ass is in the water, just a few degrees above freezing.
Two months ago today, this happened to me.
…Okay, it didn’t. I wasn’t literally plunged into an icy abyss, but it sure felt like it.
Two months ago today, I was fired. Terminated. “Let go.”
I still remember how I felt, walking into my director’s office and seeing his boss there, knowing it would be my last entrance. I don’t remember what she said to me. All I can remember is how I felt, the physical sensations: warm, buzzing, energized, scared, elated, heart pounding. That was it – the moment I had been waiting for. The day I was finally free from the cube farm.
I had been waiting, wanting to get fired for months. Wanting to move on, take the steps in the direction of my dreams, but so afraid to leave. I mean, that would’ve been stupid, right? No sane person would leave steady paychecks on the table for the uncertainty of pursuing your passion…At least, that’s what I told myself.
And it worked. I stayed, growing increasingly miserable as the days passed. I knew I was unhappy, but I didn’t realize just how toxic that environment was until I was out, breathing in the fresh air outside of the cube farm. In that office, I was a mess. I was exhausted, both mentally and physically; I was unmotivated, deflated. It was totally kicking my ass.
These days, I get to kick my own ass! I make sure I post, keep up with other blogs, do my morning pages, meditate, exercise, read. It’s tough, and I haven’t quite figured it all out yet, but it’s already so rewarding.
I feel like the Universe is a “tough-love” kind of parent – like the momma bird pushing her babies out of the nest, or a father tossing his kid into the pool and letting him figure out how to kick his legs.
I didn’t think I was ready to be out of the office and on my own, but apparently, She did. I was completely submerged in the icy unknown, disoriented and afraid, but shockingly awake. As I got used to the water, I found my legs and the gap in the ice. I could breathe.
And here I am, two months later, thriving. I’m awake, alive, brave. I’ve established a meditation practice, joined a gym, registered domain names, written blog entries, connected with other writers, and have two life coaching books sitting on my desk.
I suppose it’s like a wise friend once told me – “Your destiny doesn’t always ask for your permission before it manifests.”
Peace, love and a steaming cup of Zen,
- K
