Everyone tells you not to play the comparison game. 
Hell, I’ve said it before on this very blog. But I take it back.
Yeah, the comparison game can suck. It’s the fastest way I know of to experience jealousy and feel lack in your own life.
A few weeks ago, I was comparing hardcore. At first, it brought out the green-eyed monster in me (oh wait, I already have green eyes…). But then I discovered the true nature of the beast:
Examining your jealousy is a fast-track to understanding your values.
So, guys n gals – wanna play detective?
Where do you compare?
I don’t know about you, but I play the game when I’m on Facebook. It’s never intentional, but by the time I’m done browsing, I forget how much I love my life and end up wanting someone else’s.
Does this happen to you?
Three profiles in, I end up wanting to be a traveling musician/vegan activist who lives in the big city with her wonderful husband and two darling kids.
Problem? I want almost NONE of that! Maybe the husband – maybe.
It’s odd, isn’t it? When you play the comparison game, it can leave you wanting things you never knew you wanted.
Probably because you don’t actually want them.
False wants vs actual desires
Sometimes when you play the comparison game, you’re jealous of something you actually want, like a book launch, tighter friendships or a baby. These are real desires, and your jealousy probably makes sense to you.
Other times, you feel jealous about something you don’t even want, which can leave you feeling pretty annoyed. Like me and city living – there’s no way I’d last in the city! I’m a nature girl through and through, but over the years I’ve tried to convince myself that city living is for me. Why?
Because lying beneath the surface of those false wants are true values – can you find yours?
Look for themes in your jealousy
This is a game, remember? So throw on your trench coat and detective hat and take a good, big-picture look at your jealousies. Is there a theme?
Within my false wants, you can see a few themes: creative expression, health and vibrant, passionate living. That’s what I’m missing – not veganism, babies or city living.
If a pattern isn’t obvious, try asking yourself: What about ___ do I really value? And fill in the blank with your false wants:
- Do you really value having children? Or are you missing the strong connection of family?
- Do you really value living out of a backpack in the desert for a month? Or are you missing more adventure in your life?
Take a look, dig deep, and uncover your true values.
Do something about it
Now that you’ve sledged through the crap to find your values, the game gets really fun. You get to change your life! Whee!
Now that you’re aware of the true values underneath those false wants, what can you do with ‘em? Instead of comparing and wishing, what can you do to make it happen in your own life?
- If you want stronger family ties, can you have more heartfelt talks and family game nights?
- If you’re craving more adventure, can you take a short trip? Or do something that scares you?
Beneath my false want of veganism, I found the desire for a healthier lifestyle. So I got back on track and am eating tons more veggies. Under the false want of roaming the country with a band, I discovered a desire for more creative expression and limit-stretching. So I registered for a ballet class – something I’ve been wanting to do since I was a kid! (Eeee!)
You get it. Look at your values, brainstorm ideas to incorporate them into your life, and then… Act! Only then will you love your life more and think about theirs less.
Get grateful about your own life
Jealousy is such a gross feeling. I don’t like to dwell there too long, so if all else fails, do you know the fastest way outta green-eyed-monster-mode?
Gratitude.
I know, everyone’s telling you about gratitude. But it’s so useful! It makes you happier, healthier, wiser, hotter, richer and cooler. Okay..Maybe not all of those. But being grateful is one of the fastest paths out of Emerald city.
So now that you got what you came for, opt out of the comparison game. Forget what everyone else has – focus on what YOU have, and what you’re creating. And be grateful for it!
Speak your truth: Do you play the comparison game? How can you use it to help you find and create from your values?
Peace, love and a steaming cup of Zen,
Kaylee
Kaylee, I really like this idea of taking a negative emotion and uncovering it to see what it’s telling you. “Negative” emotions like jealousy are uncomfortable, but if you stay with it for a bit, you can learn a lot of very useful information about yourself. Love the way you’ve illustrated that here!
Bobbi Emel recently posted..Choosing to bounce back
Thanks Bobbi! =) Nobody enjoys negative emotions, but there’s so much you can learn from them. I’m glad you enjoyed.
Kaylee recently posted..Why You Should Play the Comparison Game
thanks for writing this post Kaylee
these deadly comparisons are among the fastest ways to let a person lose his confidence
thanks for the enlightenment
farouk recently posted..how harmful is internet porn addiction
Comparison can be harmful, yes, but we can also learn from it. The point is to learn what you can from it, then let it go. Opt out. And get to appreciating your own life!
Kaylee recently posted..Why You Should Play the Comparison Game
A great post and yes, I believe we can stretch ourselves by comparing our lives to those we admire. Unfortunately this gets a bad rap when people aspired to copy the possesions or other outward qualities. Just watch the Real Housewives of somewhere and see how bazarre they lives are as they aspire to outdo each other.
Jane Robinson recently posted..How to write your personal creative mission statement
Love the new design! Was totally surprised, in a good way!
“hotter, richer and cooler. Okay..Maybe not all of those.” No! all of those
Well… I sometimes find myself jealous of hot men with beautiful girlfriends… which suggests I value social status…which suggests I need to go change my values!
I wasn’t told that negative emotions have ‘value’ until recently. Most people don’t really talk about that. Which is a shame; like you and Bobbi said, we’ve got a lot we can learn from them.
Thanks, Amit! I’m really glad to hear that – I was pretty nervous, putting myself out there with the new design.
Haha – well, maybe so! Grateful people are pretty hot. And awesome. Richer? Probably – there are so many ways to define richness, after all.
Funny, Amit, you uncovered another possibility: your values suck!
Haha..Didn’t think about that one. I wonder how that works, changing your values? Hm.
Anywho, it is too bad we’re taught to run away from negative emotions…But luckily, we can always choose to try something else and learn from them now. Thanks for stoppin’ by, my friend!
Kaylee recently posted..Why You Should Play the Comparison Game
Thumbs-up Kaylee. Great points.
It reminds me of the seven-hundred-forty-two-ba-jillion location independent entrepreneur blogs. I think it’s an AWESOME aspiration for those who really want to travel the world, but I can’t help but think some people get sucked in by the romance and sexiness of the idea…and deep, deep down don’t really want it as much as they want the adventure in general.
And great example with the Facebook profiles.
Smart stuff! And I really like the new elements to the site. A lot. Looks all bright & perky. It suits you.
Good job.
Gary
PS – You got a comment on this one from Bobbi…who if she reads my comment might be interested to know that you recommended her blog to me just today!
Gary Korisko recently posted..Comment on Why You Need To Scrap THEIR Blueprint And Draw Up Your Own by Gary Korisko
Thanks Gary! =)
I agree – for those that honestly want to travel the world, I think that’s awesome!! But it is sort of romanticized. Traveling is great and all, but for me, it’s more work/planning than carefree adventure. At least too much work to do it all the time.
Glad you like the new site, Gary. You know this was a big step for me, putting my whimsy all out there any everything. =)
Kaylee recently posted..Why You Should Play the Comparison Game
Kaylee,
This is a very well thought through post, for a topic that requires it. It’s a catch 22 with comparison. We shouldn’t compare because it’s all about individual circumstances and individual skills/challenges. And we don’t need to compare, but we could follow example or be inspired by those who are better at something or on a higher level than us. Not every path needs to be made from scratch, and I think instead of comparison, aspiration is the way to go.
Dolly Garland recently posted..My Life in Books
Thanks for your thoughts, Dolly. Comparison is a very complex topic, as you said – that’s why I decided to flip it around and look at it in a way we’re not used to. Comparison is always seen as a bad thing – but is it? We can learn much from it.
Though I do agree, it’s not something you wanna do all the time, because everyone is different – you can never truly compare yourself accurately to someone else.
I like what you said about every path not being made from scratch – that’s a good point! Even the best have gotten inspiration and help from the paths others have already taken.
Kaylee recently posted..Why You Should Play the Comparison Game
You hit it right there with the idea that the pathway out twisting yourself into knots with comparison is to change the focus to gratitude. When we pay attention to the blessings we actually have, the ‘green-eyed monster” usually takes a walk I find. Personally, I’ve been reminding myself nearly daily of the quote, that I think comes from Anne Lamotte, ‘don’t compare your insides to someone else’s outsides” After all that’s like apples & oranges!
Sarah | Holistic Hot Sauce recently posted..Hot Flash Blues? Try This Everyday Supplement.
Exactly, Sarah! I like that quote – it reminds me of the one about comparing your daily life to someone’s highlight reel. It’s all the same, really: you can’t compare to someone else. We’re all unique, with different perspectives, experiences and values – apples and oranges, like ya said. =)
Though I still say we can learn something from the green-eyed monster.
Kaylee recently posted..Why You Should Play the Comparison Game
That’s a really inspiring post!! What I sometimes do if I compare is this: I ask myself “if I was in that person’s shoes, would I enjoy being with their friends? Wouldn’t I miss mine?” And I realize that I would so miss mine and my life that in the end I am happy with what I have. It helps because at first glance, we tend to hate our lives, but really we’re just being wowed by things we probably don’t even care for!!
marie recently posted..minimalist fun
Thanks, Marie! =) You’re spot on there – the comparison game can leave us wanting things we don’t even really want! It’s crazy. I love the idea of asking yourself that question though – of actually putting yourself in that person’s shoes and seeing if you’d love that life. I just did it myself, and you’re right! I wouldn’t be happy living in the city, hittin’ the bars all the time. It’s just not me. On the contrary, I’m happy with my cozy country place with a cornfield in the backyard.
Great exercise, Marie. I’m so glad you shared it. =)
Kaylee recently posted..Why You Should Play the Comparison Game
Wow, thanks for your response, I am so glad it helped!!!
marie recently posted..Minimalist grooming part 2
Well done on a really great post Kaylee, it’s got us all thinking. Time to stop skimming the surface and dig deep to uncover the real truth. Love the design too it really suits you.
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Thanks, Ciara. =) I’m glad you like it, I worked super hard on it!
And I’m glad to get ya thinkin’.
Kaylee recently posted..Why You Should Play the Comparison Game
That’s interesting — it has been a conscious practice of mine recently to admit when I’m feeling jealous of someone I know (for example, I told someone in my life that I felt envy when I thought of how close they seem to easily become with people) — that has been a difficult thing to do for me, but there is something about admitting the existence of the jealousy, particularly to the people who my jealousy relates to, that dissolves the seeming importance of the jealousy and puts it into perspective.
Chris Edgar recently posted..New Song From “The Grate”: “Beneath The Grate”
That’s a great idea, Chris. It’s funny, when we avoid or reject our negative emotions (like jealousy), it tends to make them way worse. But just owning up to them takes away a bit of their power. It’s like, “Okay, ya got me, I’m jealous of ___.” – and then it goes away. Thanks for your perspective. =)
Kaylee recently posted..Why You Should Play the Comparison Game
You are very good at discerning the fine line between wishes and dreams. For instance, ‘do you really want children…missing a family connection?’ Few people are able to do that and yet you have for me and all of your readers. (And to follow up to Amit’s comment; the new design rocks. Purple is the key!
I commented on your about page b/c it really resonates with me and goes to this topic. I had been mourning my old life; dressing up for work, coming home to make a quick dinner for everyone and heading to an opening night, being mother to all the lost actors, renovating an entire building as GC on time/in budget (and on the side!). Running off to director dinners, cast dinners, board meetings. But your article made me stop and think. Under that beautiful rock is a lot of green (to coin the phrase), ucky stuff. And it’s not jealousy but looking at the situation as I was IN IT. No sleep, on call 360 days of the year, yr after yr. No joke. I don’t want the life I’m living now but I’m trying to make the best of it. When I’m not sick, I can write, which has always been part of me but, obviously, was put to the wayside. And yes, despite to strange beasts that were my fiancees (permanent stalk stalk me sign that only the xy chromosome can read) I was able to wake up and leave before a soul killing relationship. I had worked too hard for me to do that to myself. So, I will always have pangs for the married life but each life has it’s up side and…its green underbelly. So I’ll add, in the vein of this post, to the old saw; Leave no stone un-turned …as you might be surprised at what you find underneath. Something you do not want under your roof! Thanks for the wake-up call.
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Thank you for your comment, Lee. I always love hearing from you. =)
I didn’t know all that about your “old life.” Fascinating! It sounds super exciting, but like you said, even the most beautiful appearances can have harsh underbellies. There’s good and bad to almost every situation…Even the one you’re in now. I know from reading your content and comments that you struggle with your health, and certainly you didn’t choose that, but you can make choices *within* that – and you are! And that’s amazing.
You could choose to sit back, let the illness become you and be miserable. But instead, you use the energy you have to write and share your words with the world. That’s pretty damn inspiring, Lee. The life you have right now may not be exactly what you want, but maybe it’s what you need to slow down and explore other parts of yourself. I look forward to seeing where your writing journey takes you! =)
Kaylee recently posted..Why You Should Play the Comparison Game
Wonderful indeed, Kaylee!
You covered such an important topic in a easy to understand way.
Even those ‘bad’ emotions such as jealously can mean something positive for the person experiencing the emotion. As you quite rightly said, in order to see this in oneself and others, look beyond the surface and find the value.
A similar thing can be said about behaviour. Even through engaging in inappropriate behaviour, a person is trying to achieve something of value. The trick is to bring this to consciousness and then look for better and healthier ways to achieve the same value.
I really enjoyed your post.
Hiten recently posted..Getting ourselves out of our way
Yikes, sorry Hiten, I just saw your comment! What’s up with that..
Anyway. =) Thanks for stoppin’ by, you know I’m always happy to see your face on my page. And thanks for adding that bit about behavior – I didn’t think about that!
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First time reading one of your essays. I enjoyed it. Having read your example, I would like to ask you do you go beyond the first level of questioning, e.g., do you ask. “What is it about family that causes me to feel that I want better connections?”, “How does a family relate to how I feel about myself?”, “How does family relate to what I say to myself?”, “How does family relate to how I treat myself?”, “How does family and my relations with my inner family relate to za-zen?”. All of this, I think, relates back to a basic Buddhist concept of the observed and the observer are one in the consciousness of the observer.
This also causes me to wonder how you feel about comparisons of spiritual teachings.
Hey Charles, welcome! I’m glad you’re here. =)
Your comment really got me thinking..I did stay surface level during both the experience and in writing the post, because I feel like some issues can be solved without going too deep. But, thinkin’ about your questions…is mildly overwhelming, I gotta say! That’s truly a lot to think about – very important things to think about, definitely. And very telling for how I/we act and are present in the world.
I’m not sure about your last statement – care to elaborate? I’d love to chat about it.
Kaylee recently posted..Tiny Buddha Guest Post
thanks for your generous reply.
with regard to the last question, e.g., the differences between aspects of cosmology of different teachings – dao vs new age. so, is it good to try to compare teachings and express the perceived differences, or just look for similarities and ignore the differences? you can do both but should you/i if people have a lot invested in their position, as in they are teachers who have invited me their classes which is where i interact with them. and, they are helping me to see my own consciousness by my observations of them. i’d appreciate your thoughts. you have my email address if you want to continue this in another venue.
Look out for my e-mail – I just hit send. =)