When was the last time you had a meaningful conversation?
I’m not talkin’ about the “Hi, how are you?” “I’m fine, thanks, you?” That exchange has less value than a bounced check.
Don’t get me wrong – small talk has its place in our lives. To some, it’s entertaining, a great way to pass the time. Personally, I think it’s kind of a necessary evil, something I do to be polite and engage with other humans…. But to each their own. 
As necessary as small talk seems, today I’m wondering if there’s room in our lives for more meaningful conversation.
To me, this dialogue is the kind that excites you. It puts you in flow, engages your mind, stokes your passion and ignites your energy.
Even more than all of that, meaningful conversation gets to the heart of the people involved.
When two people are engaged in this kind of dialogue, it’s a beautiful thing. They’re sharing parts of their soul – what’s important to them, what makes their heart sing. You can see and hear the passion, witness the exchange of ideas, the opening of minds and the beauty of human connection and understanding.
Personally, I don’t feel this way when I’m chit-chatting. It’s not totally unpleasant (usually), but I don’t ever feel like I’m really getting to know that person.
So this morning, when my guy opened up to me over a lovely breakfast under the warm sun, I was thrilled. More than that, I was interested, engaged and inspired. I was getting to the heart of him.
That’s the kind of conversation I live for.
I crave deep connection – getting to hear about their fears and passions, their past, present and future. It makes me feel compassionate and alive. My heart and mind open wide.
When was the last time you had a conversation that left this kind of impression on you? What topics get you excited? Do you think you could use more meaningful conversation in your life?
Please share in the comments below – I’d love to hear some other perspectives.
Peace, love and a steaming cup of Zen,
- K
Kaylee, this kind of makes me smile because it reminds me of the conversation we had a few posts ago about Introverts vs. Extraverts. While Extraverts enjoy a meaningful conversation as much as anyone, we can tolerate chit chat a bit because we feel connected to the other person just because we’re talking! Introverts tend to prefer those meaningful, deep conversations that you’re talking about almost exclusively. Too energy-draining just t0 small-talk all the time!
Nonetheless, I take your point and agree that getting-under-the-surface types of conversations are the most rewarding and engaging kind.
That’s funny Bobbi, I almost included that in the post (but decided to keep it shorter). You’re totally right though – try as I might, small talk is generally sooo draining. I could definitely dig deep convo 24/7 (except for some alone time, of course)! An introvert’s dream… ha ha.
Thanks for sharing your perspective. You reminded me that I forgot to put in a link – there’s a study that actually suggests a link between deep conversations and happiness. It was just one study and not totally conclusive, but it makes sense to me!
Guess I could’ve included the link, eh?
http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/03/17/talk-deeply-be-happy/
Awesome link! I’m definitely going to get my hands on the actual study and give it a read & review.
Yeah it was a really interesting study…Unfortunately very short and didn’t seem to *prove* anything.. But I think more research would be fascinating.
It has been at least two or three months since my last conversation that left that kind of impression. As an introvert, I also crave more meaningful conversations, and find meaningless chit-chat and banter a bit tiring. Perhaps that’s why I get less of it, because I really don’t like the prerequesitive step.
There are three classes of topics that get me excited – myself, the things I think are important and interesting, like philosophy, psychology, love, and economics, and the person I’m talking to, if they’re interesting and important to me.
The next question is what can we do to increase the occurrence of these types of conversations? I read an OK book on the subject a year back – Click: The Power of Instant Connections. All I remember from the book is that it didn’t change my behavior ;)
Sounds like we need to have some conversation Amit!
Finally, another introvert! Don’t worry, I love you extraverts too. <3 It's cool you understand where I'm coming from though. If I go too long without good convo, I start to feel a little depleted – really connecting re-energizes me like crazy.
I like how you took it to the next level with your question… I had these kinds of conversations much more frequently when I was involved in different groups. Like last year, when I took classes at a Zen center – that was awesome. And now at my Toastmasters group, I can connect with people on those subjects. So groups definitely help… But I wonder how else. Perhaps this is another post, eh?
Too bad about that book, btw. A real winner, in my opinion, either challenges or inspires you enough to make changes. If you find one, I expect a review on your site!
Deeper conversations are always more fulfilling – but as an extrovert I don’t mind the small talk to warm up. But, too much small talk is draining and a waste of time. It’s nice to get to the good stuff sooner rather than later.
I get a little uncomfortable though if someone wants to dive right in to the deep conversation. I do think the chit chat has its place in feeling each other out energetically.
Good to know Sarah. I’m kind of awkward with small talk – I can do it, but after a while I really just don’t know what to say. So I tend to wanna jump right into the deep convo… Probably not the best way to do it if it makes others uncomfortable! It probably depends on the person too, but thanks for bringing that to my attention. I might get more of the deep convo if I took time on the chit chat..Hm.. Food for thought.
I am with Sarah… there are some people, I do NOT want to have a deeper conversation with! And there are many many times when people just fall into telling me their deep dark secrets, I have a good crying shoulder I suppose.
Generally though with friends and family, I would prefer to have a deeper more satisfying conversation over the course of many years.
That’s funny, Lori – I’m the same way. I’ll just meet someone and ten minutes later they’re telling me their life story. I can’t say that I mind though – honestly, I’d rather hear that then have them ramble on about the weather. But I can see how it’d make you uncomfortable.
I’m glad you can find that deeper convo with friends and family though, where you’re comfy. Makes sense!
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I tend to be an introvert. But my close friends are different. I do like real conversation with them. However, upon reading this I realized that more chit chat has gone on for quite some time then real conversation. Mahalo for a big reminder.
As well, recently my life partner and I realized we have been stuck in the every day… not even really listening to one another. Time to change that… or things will become so far distant we’ll wonder where the relationship went.
Again, mahalo for the post.
Thanks JT. If you’re like me, losing that conversational connection is like losing the heart of the relationship. It’s like you don’t even realize that it’s happening, until one day, amidst the everyday stuff, it hits you. And that’s the best part, because from there you can fix it.
I hope you and your love are reconnecting right this very minute.
I love this topic. I have no problem with small talk. It’s an essential skill for building relationships out in the wider world. But “proper conversation” is altogether different. It’s exciting, stimulating.
I tend to have them online more often, simply because I haven’t got many people in my real-life vicinity for meaningful conversations, but I do have them with some people. Most of them tend to be more focused on intellectual, goals, success orientation kind of thing – which is great, because I find it exciting.
I love the same kinds of topics, Dolly.
Who doesn’t love to talk about their goals? It can be so empowering, and clarifying actually, to talk through your dreams. Sometimes, you gain insights you never would have on your own.
I agree that small talk is essential – like others have pointed out, some folks aren’t comfortable engaging in deeper convo until small talk has been established. A bummer for me, since I’m not great with small talk, but what can ya do.
Glad you like the topic, btw. If you ever want some energizing conversation, I’m always game!
Kaylee,
My partner and I use the phrase “emotionally dead” to describe people who subsist on small talk and conversations about the weather. I believe they are content to live on life’s surface as opposed to doing deeper and living in full-color (as I do!)
Thanks for a thought-provoker!
Of course, Beth! That’s my goal – glad to know I’m helping to get the wheels turnin’.
There definitely are folks who seem content to live on the surface – and that’s totally fine (for them). I guess we all have our preferences, and we need all kinds of people in this world.
Actually, that reminds me of this quote I read yesterday:
“Sometimes, lifetimes are chosen to be with friends. And sometimes, Kaylee, one friend agrees to be off balance and the other balanced. One teaches stability, the other teaches spontaneity. Win-win, cool-cool.
But likewise, perhaps the small talkers could benefit from a little more depth in their conversations. I think both are equally important (though I clearly prefer and am better at deeper convo – small talk makes me awkward 
) lol.
Gets kind of wonky though, if either starts thinking they’re more important to the other, than the other is to them.” (This was my daily note from the Universe, via http://www.tut.com)
Kiiind of different than what we’re talking about, but still it strikes a chord. Maybe we love deeper convo and others love small talk – is there something each can learn from the other? I know I need to learn to lighten up sometimes – it doesn’t all have to be religion and politics.
Didn’t mean to write a novel here, just thought I’d add another perspective to this. Thanks for the comment, Beth!
Not recent enough. I love deep conversation, soul baring confessions, uncertainities, struggles, joy. They used to be conversations in the early hours after a night of drinking…now they are the deck in the early hours of the day drinking coffee.
Hey, whenever you can get ‘em is a good time. Though those coffee-fueled convos might make a teensy bit more sense than the booze-fueled ones…
But both are fun and nourish the soul. I hope you can experience some engaging conversation soon, Jane.