Do you ask strangers, “How are you?” on a daily basis?
Whether it’s part of your job or just what comes after “hello,” I think we all do. It’s only polite, right?
Polite, maybe. But do you actually care about the answer?
As I answered the phone yesterday and asked the other end how she was, she answered, “Good, how are you? I’d like to look at…”
Before I could even open my mouth to answer, she had moved on to her main point. Huh. She really didn’t give a crap about how I was.
I’m not sayin’ I blame her – I’m totally guilty of doing the same thing. I ask “how are you?” out of politeness or routine. Half the time, I don’t even realize what I’m asking.
It’s built in to our language, I know. It’s just what you say. So what’s the big deal?
No big deal, really…
But what if, instead, we actually cared?
What if we took a moment out of our busy day to slow down, become present to the person in front of us, and genuinely inquire as to how they’re doing?
I think people would be blown away. Smiles would be had, spirits would be lifted and connections would be made.
Could there be a compassion revolution, just by changing the way we ask, “how are you?”
Maybe. All it takes is one person at a time. One interaction out of your whole day.
How can you suddenly turn such a routine phrase into a meaningful question?
By first moving into presence. Before you open your mouth, become present to the person in front of you. See them. Feel them (though not literally, or you may get slapped – I warned ya 
). Then, when you feel that genuine sense of human connection that we all share, ask them how they are. And care about the answer.
Compassion can be cultivated, folks. Trust me.
I was (and often still am) a damn selfish person. It’s built in to our society. But y’know what? We can change that.
By meditating and practicing mindfulness, I’ve been able to cultivate greater compassion in my heart. You can too - a big winner is the loving-kindness meditation. Give it a whirl.
Or if you’re not jivin’ with that, try simply meaning it when you ask, “how are you?”
This won’t be an easy habit to break – I literally did it JUST now. (jeez…)
But awareness is the first step, right? Just thought I’d bring a little mindfulness to this often mindless daily practice.
On that note…How are you, my friends? I genuinely hope you’re well.
Peace, love and a steaming cup of Zen,
- K
Thanks for asking, Kaylee! I’m okay, but my partner has a bad back that is inching its way into a chronic condition. A little scary but we are making it through.
Loved this reminder about be present for an actual response to this common question.
How are you, Kaylee?
That is scary.. Sorry to hear it, Bobbi. Probably an obvious question, but has your partner seen a chiropractor? Not trying to give unsolicited advice :) Just asking because I work for one and he helps all kinds of folks. Might be worth a shot. Either way, I hope she stays as healthy as possible. At least you’ve got each other for support.
I’m fine, thanks for asking. I’d rather be out in the warm sunshine, but generally, I’m feeling pretty peaceful and content lately.
Thank YOU for asking, and for an honest answer! That was quite refreshing.
Yes, she has tried a chiropractor, acupuncture, Esther Gokhale Method, and physical therapy. Tomorrow she gets an epidural cortisone shot. Let’s hope it works!
Thanks for your concern, Kaylee!
Ah, figured as much. Well, fingers crossed for tomorrow!! Peace and blessings to you both.
Hi Kaylee,
I loved this post! I agree, many people say the whole “how are you”? like a robotic routine. When I say it, I usually mean it. However, it can be very frustrating when I hear others say it, and they don’t.
I love loving kindness meditation and do this as a part of my Vipassana practice.
Hey Hiten, good to see you again!
I’m glad you loved the post.
Loving kindness meditation is one of my favorites – it’s like you can feel your heart opening up. I’d love to hear more about your practice – what other meditations do you incorporate?
Hi Kaylee,
I practice a combination of Mindfulness and Vipassana. Thanks for asking the question!
How long have you been practicing Mindfulness for?
Of course, I love hearing about others’ practices. You can almost always learn something new.
I’ll be honest, I didn’t (don’t!) know much about Vipassana – so thanks for introducing the term. I hit Google yesterday and will have to look into it more. I’m not too sure about the different types/history…I think that’s definitely something I’ll be looking into.
I took classes at a local Zen center for a few months last year, that’s when it really started. Since then, I’ve had a daily meditation practice on and off, on now since December (my longest stretch ever!). Besides the daily meditation, just being more mindful in my everyday life has really changed my perspective. For the better!
Hm…. I think I’m pretty good. Until recently I suffered from alexithymia, so it’s still difficult for me to answer genuinely the question, “How are you?” Hm… I hope google doesn’t index this response
I’ve never had the problem of asking people “how are you?” and not caring, because I just never asked. I didn’t see the point, not if they’re not interested in giving a genuine reply. Recently; however, I have been asking, and I’ve tried to care, but it’s still difficult to overcome other people not caring. I suppose cultivating compassion is the answer!
It is difficult to ask and care when you know the person on the receiving end probably won’t care…Or give an authentic response. But hey, the compassion revolution’s gotta start somewhere.
It all starts with one person – could be you. One person to ask “how are you?” in a genuine way – full eye contact, authentic inquiry behind the question, and a caring for the other human’s well-being. Maybe most people won’t notice or care, but you never know who will. There’s someone out there who needs to know someone cares about how they are.
…Wordmush. Ha ha, but it makes sense, right?
I think about this a lot – even as I as people ‘how are you’ or ‘how’s it going’ all the time. It is almost like a bridge in the conversation to the next thing – but I have practiced mindfulness and tried to really tune into the person and hear them. (But I often fail) I’m all about the eye contact though.
The other side of it is our replies. When asked ‘how are you’ how many times do we respond with ‘good’ or ‘fine’ when we are far from it. I experimented for a while with telling the truth – and boy were people uncomfortable with that!
I love this idea of a ‘compassion revolution’! Let’s get it started!
Hey, at least you give the eye contact. I get it so infrequently now that when it happens, it really means somethin’ to me. I’ve seriously often wondered if there was something wrong with me – like, am I that bad to look at…? lol. I’m hoping that we’ve just lost the art of eye contact.
I’m glad you’ve tried mindful “how are you’s” – it really is tough, isn’t it? I fail all the time, so don’t feel bad.
Ha ha, I can only imagine folks’ reactions to your honest responses. I kinda wanna try that myself…
Hell yeah! Let’s!
The revolution’s gotta start somewhere – why not with us? I know I could definitely be more compassionate and reach out more in my own life. It’s sooo easy to get wrapped up in your own stuff – you forget that others have problems, passions and lives that could use some attention and compassion. SO… How can we start?! Something to think about..
Where are you from, Myaso? It’s hard to imagine someone not following a “hello” with a “how are you?” – it’s so built in here. How do greetings go where you’re from? Just “hello?” I’m just curious to hear a different perspective. =)
I don’t know why we bother – I guess it’s just “polite” now, as it’s so built into our dialogue. Though really, how polite is it to ask someone a question you don’t care about the answer to? Or perhaps we’re just looking for too much meaning? Should words always be meaningful?
So many questions..
I am from Ukraine – we used to say “Privet” (meaning just “greetings!”) or “Dobryy Den” (meaning “good day”) or “Zdravstvuite” (literally meaning “stay healthy”), which after an overparticular analysis comes to a question “what relation does anybody’s health have to me?”
So- there are some “questionable” customs in my own culture
In England, they say “how do you do?”. I always remember Grumpy’s answer – “How do I do WHAT ?”
Haha..
Nice answer, Grump. Could you imagine if we were all that literal? Yikes… I mean really, what if we all answered those kinds of questions truthfully? I can see people getting uncomfortable with the answers, lol.
Interesting to hear of your own “questionable” customs! Zdravstvuite!
My take is that wishing someone well is less questionable. It’s not that often that you’d rather wish the opposite)
On the other side, if you say “kak dela?” in Russian (how are things?) the answer may very well be meaningful. It’s much less of an opening line between people that know each other superficially compared to the English equivalent.
I’d also say that the intonation plays a huge role. In English it sounds very exaggerated to a non-native speaker. The very same phrase in German never bothered me, probably because it’s pronounced in a more neutral tone. French falls in between German and English.
Of course there are huge regional differences with those languages, so I am speaking only about my experiences)