Zen Caffeine
Awakening to life, one steaming cup of Zen at a time
May 16 2012

How Are You Asking This Common Question?

by Kaylee

Do you ask strangers, “How are you?” on a daily basis?

Whether it’s part of your job or just what comes after “hello,” I think we all do. It’s only polite, right?

Polite, maybe. But do you actually care about the answer?

 

As I answered the phone yesterday and asked the other end how she was, she answered, “Good, how are you? I’d like to look at…”

Before I could even open my mouth to answer, she had moved on to her main point. Huh. She really didn’t give a crap about how I was.

I’m not sayin’ I blame her – I’m totally guilty of doing the same thing. I ask “how are you?” out of politeness or routine. Half the time, I don’t even realize what I’m asking.

It’s built in to our language, I know. It’s just what you say. So what’s the big deal?

No big deal, really…

 

But what if, instead, we actually cared?

What if we took a moment out of our busy day to slow down, become present to the person in front of us, and genuinely inquire as to how they’re doing?

I think people would be blown away. Smiles would be had, spirits would be lifted and connections would be made.

Could there be a compassion revolution, just by changing the way we ask, “how are you?”

Maybe. All it takes is one person at a time. One interaction out of your whole day.

♥

How can you suddenly turn such a routine phrase into a meaningful question?

 

By first moving into presence. Before you open your mouth, become present to the person in front of you. See them. Feel them (though not literally, or you may get slapped – I warned ya ;) ). Then, when you feel that genuine sense of human connection that we all share, ask them how they are. And care about the answer.

 

Compassion can be cultivated, folks. Trust me.

I was (and often still am) a damn selfish person. It’s built in to our society. But y’know what? We can change that.

By meditating and practicing mindfulness, I’ve been able to cultivate greater compassion in my heart. You can too - a big winner is the loving-kindness meditation. Give it a whirl.

Or if you’re not jivin’ with that, try simply meaning it when you ask, “how are you?”

 

This won’t be an easy habit to break – I literally did it JUST now. (jeez…)

But awareness is the first step, right? Just thought I’d bring a little mindfulness to this often mindless daily practice.

 

On that note…How are you, my friends? I genuinely hope you’re well.

Peace, love and a steaming cup of Zen,

- K

Categories: Authenticity, Human Connection, Intent, Mindfulness | 12 Comments »

May 10 2012

Is Your Daily Dialogue Lacking This?

by Kaylee

When was the last time you had a meaningful conversation?

I’m not talkin’ about the “Hi, how are you?” “I’m fine, thanks, you?” That exchange has less value than a bounced check.

Don’t get me wrong – small talk has its place in our lives. To some, it’s entertaining, a great way to pass the time. Personally, I think it’s kind of a necessary evil, something I do to be polite and engage with other humans…. But to each their own. ;)

As necessary as small talk seems, today I’m wondering if there’s room in our lives for more meaningful conversation.

To me, this dialogue is the kind that excites you. It puts you in flow, engages your mind, stokes your passion and ignites your energy.

Even more than all of that, meaningful conversation gets to the heart of the people involved.

When two people are engaged in this kind of dialogue, it’s a beautiful thing. They’re sharing parts of their soul – what’s important to them, what makes their heart sing. You can see and hear the passion, witness the exchange of ideas, the opening of minds and the beauty of human connection and understanding.

Personally, I don’t feel this way when I’m chit-chatting. It’s not totally unpleasant (usually), but I don’t ever feel like I’m really getting to know that person.

So this morning, when my guy opened up to me over a lovely breakfast under the warm sun, I was thrilled. More than that, I was interested, engaged and inspired. I was getting to the heart of him.

That’s the kind of conversation I live for.

I crave deep connection – getting to hear about their fears and passions, their past, present and future. It makes me feel compassionate and alive. My heart and mind open wide.

 

When was the last time you had a conversation that left this kind of impression on you? What topics get you excited? Do you think you could use more meaningful conversation in your life?

Please share in the comments below – I’d love to hear some other perspectives.

 

Peace, love and a steaming cup of Zen,

- K

Categories: Authenticity | 21 Comments »

May 2 2012

How to Create Better Work Balance in 5 Easy Steps

by Kaylee

Do you want to find balance at work? <p><a href="http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/images/view_photog.php?photogid=1499">Image: Ambro / FreeDigitalPhotos.net</a></p>

Me too.

But before we press on, I’m curious:

How do you define balance?

We may have different ideas - so you share yours and I’ll share mine.

My definition? Balance is when I’m generally feeling good about my work. I’m not taking it too seriously and stressing myself out, but I’m not slacking either. I’m producing quality content, connecting with others, and truly enjoying my time working.

It’s easy enough to define, but creating the balance hasn’t always been so easy.

I’ve spent plenty of time on either end of the spectrum: taking my work too seriously and not seriously enough – the time in between? Not so much.

There are many good ways to strike a good balance – I’m sure you’ve got a ton of ‘em! (Which I’d LOVE to hear in the comments)

There’s one, though, that I think you might LOVE.

It’s my new favorite method, and here it is:

                   Holding a monthly meeting with yourself.

Many people instinctively yawn at the word ‘meeting’ (sorry for making you yawn ;) ). But this isn’t any ol’ meeting. This is YOUR meeting, about YOUR passion and YOUR work.

You’re running the show – you can have it where you want, when you want, how you want.

You can wear a flashy suit or your comfiest pajamas, at the swankiest dinner spot or your coziest recliner. This is your meeting.

Mine was pretty informal. It was just me in my favorite pjs, nestled into the couch with my laptop and a notebook. I think next time I’ll take myself out to lunch – just to make it a little more official. Plus, who doesn’t love lunch?!

Although, when I do it at home, I can talk to myself as I go…And who doesn’t like talking to themselves? Maybe I’m alone on this one…

Anywho, do your meeting your way. But there are some key ideas you might want to address:

On the agenda:

1. Let it all out. Yes, ALL of it: the frustration, anxiety, uncertainty, joy, curiosity. All of those little things you’ve been wanting to tweak but have been too freaked out or busy to change. Every last nagging thought – you know, the ones that tell you to quit, the ones that say you’ll fail, the ones that nag you to work harder (but you don’t wanna! :( ) Think of this as en emotional cleansing – because like it or not, our work can be an emotional roller coaster.

Feel better? Fantastic. Let’s move on.

2. Examine the facts. Those stats you’ve been obsessing over every day? Take a look. Take TEN looks. Stare at those stats until your eyes glaze over and you’re 5lbs lighter from lack of food (or not – yeah, don’t do that.) Now is the time to get analytical.

  • How much progress have you made?
  • What were your best days?
  • Are there any patterns?
  • What kinds of conclusions can you draw from this info?

3. Explore your work. Take a good, hard look. Really dig in, dive deep, and experience your work as if you were an outsider discovering it for the first time.

  • Have you been producing quality content?
  • How were the reactions?
  • Try looking objectively: would you be interested in or impressed by your work if you weren’t you?

4. Make 2 lists: “Jobs Well Done” and “What to Improve.” In the first list, praise the hell outta yourself. What went right? Did you dazzle a prospective client and gain 3 more? Has your subscriber count skyrocketed? Was your series on meditation a total hit? I don’t want your ego knocking you outta your chair, so when you’re good and praised, move on to the second list. What can you do better? Are your blog post titles lacking? Could you provide better customer service? Is there a glaring error on your site that’s needed fixing for a while? Write ‘em down.

5. Consider everything: the facts, the work, jobs well done and what could be better. From this, choose 3 – 5 areas to work on in the next month. How many you choose will depend on how big they are – for example, you won’t wanna take on 5 if they’re all week-long projects. In choosing a focus and some action steps for the next month, you’re setting an expectation for yourself.

The beautiful thing about doing it this way is that you won’t have to think about it for another month! You know what you need to do. There’s no obsessing, worrying, or thinking about it. There’s just doing. You need to work on your subscriber count (me too ;) )? Great, you know what you’re working on until your next meeting. And there’s no reason to obsess over it until then, because ONLY then is it time to check stats and progress. Until then, just keep going.

…

When you hold a monthly meeting, it frees you from obsession and worry. You leave all of that on the table and move forward feeling informed and ready to tackle the next month.

If that’s not reason enough to give it a whirl, here are 5 more:

  1. It helps you deal with negative emotions. These will naturally arise during the course of the month. Hell, they’ll keep on arising for the rest of your life! When you have a monthly meeting to look forward to, it helps you to not take those dark thoughts so seriously. Thinking about shutting down your blog mid-month? You can address that during your next meeting. By then, that notion will probably be long forgotten. See how that works? :)
  2. It lets you evaluate without being obsessive. I’m a compulsive stats checker. Having this monthly meeting allows me to let some of that go, because I know that at my next meeting, I’ll be able to obsess all I want. Besides, saving the evaluation for once a month allows time for patterns to develop that you might not see if you’re checking every day.
  3. It gets you to see the big picture. When you look at everything once a month, you can more easily see what you’re doing right (and what you need to work on). Stepping back and getting to see the whole picture can be mindblowingly helpful. It’s like if you’re working on a puzzle and just staring at one corner for a while, trying to make this one piece fit. When you lean back and look at the big picture, you just might find that the piece fits elsewhere. The same thing could happen with your work.
  4. It makes you feel better! Setting aside time every month to acknowledge your accomplishments is a great practice. Pat yourself on the back – you deserve it!
  5. It gives you direction. At the end of the meeting, you know what you’re doing for the next month. Never do you have to stop and wonder (which often turns into over thinking/stressing) – you just keep moving.

 

Well, there you have it! 5 damn good reasons to at least give this meeting thing a shot. Trust me, you won’t regret it.

So grab your softest pjs and a hot mug o’ motivation, or head out to your favorite lunch spot, and get down to business!

 

I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments:

What do you think? How could a monthly meeting benefit you? What are your favorite ways to find balance at work?

 

Peace, love and a steaming cup of Zen,

- K

Categories: Living Your Dream | 14 Comments »

Apr 30 2012

Are You Frantically To-Do Listing? Stop the Madness and Try This Instead

by Kaylee

Initially I had planned a post on balance today. 

But, as it often does, life taught me a lesson – one that I feel compelled to share with you, especially on the busiest of days, Monday.

Up until 20 minutes ago, I had 6 tabs running on Internet Explorer, 3 e-mails waiting for responses and a quickly overloading brain.

It all started with a WordPress tab. Ah, yes, I shall be productive and write! Mmm…Nope, didn’t really feel like writing.

So I nixed that and skipped over to another blog. I started reading, and about 3 paragraphs in, I remembered the forum I was on.

Forum tab clicked. There were more blogs I needed to comment on, so I opened those too.

Okay, back to the first blog. Reading, reading…

Maybe I really should write that post.

Cue WordPress tab.

Can you feel the frenzy?!

I was doing everything and nothing, all at the same time.

My eyes were grazing the screen, but my mind was reeling on about the rest of my to-do list. I was doing just to DO, to comfort my ego, to be productive.

But how productive is it, really, to scan content that won’t soak in and leave comments that aren’t heartfelt?

It isn’t. That’s just action for action’s sake, a.k.a the fastest path I know to stressing yourself out and not accomplishing anything.

So I stopped.

I grabbed a pen and a scratch piece of paper, and started to scribble, hoping that my hand could keep up with my brain.

I wrote down anything and everything that was in my head. The never-ending to-do list poured out: the e-mail that needs to be checked, the car dealership that needs to be called, the comments that need to be made. There they were, all of them, on that piece of paper.

Of those, I picked 3. 3 little tasks of who-knows-how-many to accomplish today. Then I numbered them, 1,2,3, in order of priority.

How efficient of me!

With my neat, numbered list, I got back to work.

Much to my dismay, I still felt frantic. Unfocused. Disengaged.

What the hell? I closed the tabs, I made a list…What was the deal?!

You know what the deal was?

I needed to stop. Just STOP, completely, and simply BE.

So I did. I closed every tab, hid the piece of paper, and sat there.

That’s all I did. I didn’t click, read or talk. I just sat there in silence: breathing, noticing, being.

I heard the tick-tock of the timekeeper; the light grey sky outside; my short, shallow breaths.

I made them deeper. I breathed in focus and serenity, and sent all sense of urgency with the out breath.

20 minutes later, I’m filled with peace. My frazzled brain has had time to process.

I’ll be honest, I still don’t feel super motivated. (Blame it on the crappy weather, yeah?) I’d definitely rather be napping.

But I’m here. I’m peaceful. And I only have one tab open. ;)

I’m telling this story as a nudge to be mindful.

Watch what you’re doing.

Are you moving through your day with ease and focus? Or are you frazzled, overloaded?

If you’re feeling overwhelmed, give this a whirl: stop everything.

I know it seems counterintuitive – you have a lot to do, so stop doing?

Exactly. Sometimes, that’s what you need. It’s like when your computer is running slow, so you start clicking like crazy to make it go faster, and it rebels and goes slower. (One of the most annoying things EVER!)

That’s your brain on frantic to-do-listing.

You can try to keep going, but you’re just compounding the problem. Your brain is gonna freeze up. It needs you to just leave it alone for a minute.

Be gentle with yourself. Give your mind a rest. Stop and be for a while – the to-do list isn’t going anywhere.

I hope you’re having a beautiful, peaceful day, my friends.

Tune in next time to find your balance (promise!)

Peace, love and a steaming cup of Zen,

- K

Categories: Mindfulness | 2 Comments »

Apr 27 2012

Slack-Attack: Signs You’re Not Taking Your Work Seriously Enough (and What to Do About It!)

by Kaylee

My last post tackled taking your work too seriously. Sleeping on the job?

We’ve all done this at some point, as confirmed in the comments. But I wonder…How about the opposite end of the spectrum?

Is it possible that you’re not taking your work seriously enough?

I KNOW, right? Where’s the freakin’ balance?! Don’t you worry, my darling friend, we’ll get to that. ;)

For now, though, we’re gonna tackle this particular problem.

I’ve definitely been there. Oooh have I been there.

I’ve gone weeks without posting, published sub-par content and avoided a schedule like the plague.

The slacker in me says you shouldn’t have to be serious with your work, and believes you can achieve your goals with just one foot in the door.

My higher self knows better. There’s no way I’ll be a great life coach, widely read author and well known public speaker if I’m not in it wholeheartedly.

At this realization, my slacker self rolls her eyes (the ego is so bratty, have you noticed?); my soul gets to work.

What are some signs that you’re not taking your work seriously enough?

  • You want to quit every other day. There are a couple of possibilities here: maybe this is the wrong work, and you need to quit. More likely, you’re just not taking it seriously enough, which makes the thought of quitting super easy.
  • You go in with gusto…and then ignore your work. I’m sure this happens to everyone at some point. You start this new project with enthusiasm, then it dies…and you let it. If you aren’t taking it seriously, this isn’t a big deal. And then it keeps happening. Fast track to failure.
  • You have no forethought. You don’t plan anything. You’ll work when you feel like it, when you’re “inspired.” Funny thing about inspiration – you seem to get more of it when you keep on working.
  • You consistently submit sub-par work. You know you can do better, but you don’t seem to care. You can get away with this from time to time – we all get lazy. But if it becomes a habit, you might not be taking your work seriously enough.
  • You let resistance win – often. We all throw in the towel sometimes, push our work off until tomorrow. But if you’re sayin’ “uncle” every time it gets its arm around your head, you’ll never get anywhere.
  • You feel no sense of accountability. It’s no big deal if you don’t get work done. It doesn’t phase you to go days, weeks at a time without visiting your project, because you think it doesn’t matter.
  • You’re too flexible. You’re set to work on that project today, but instead take a coffee invite – even though you haven’t worked on the project all week.

I’ve experienced all of these at some point, and sometimes, even now, my slacker self puts her feet on the desk and a magazine over the keyboard. Sometimes my blog doesn’t get touched for a few days. Some weeks, I want to quit every other day.

Luckily, I’ve found some good ways to deal:

How can you take your work a little more seriously?

  • Consider the consequences. If you don’t take your work seriously enough, what could happen? The world won’t end, but ultimately, you probably won’t achieve your goals. Take me, for example: if I always posted lame articles, didn’t connect with other bloggers or utilize social media, do you think I’d get anywhere with my blog? Not a chance.
  • TRY a schedule. YUCK, I know. I hate ‘em too. But a schedule was the only thing that got me meditating regularly. You don’t have to stick with it forever, but at least be rigid with it for a couple of weeks to get into the groove of working consistently. I promise it won’t kill you. So make it a point to do your work – set a goal for how many days, hours, pages, whatever measurement is fitting – and STICK TO IT. There will be reasons to deviate from the schedule, but almost none of them are acceptable for the first couple of weeks. BE STRONG! After you’re in a groove, you can build in some flexibility.
  • Think of quitting like a break-up. (Unless, I guess, you’re the type to make-up and break-up every week!) Would you break up with someone without giving it a decent amount of thought? Consider how invested you are or aren’t in the relationship – why you’d call it quits, or why not. Is it worth working for?
  • Nix the “we’ll see.” That’s a hands-off approach. It’s up to YOU to make your work what you want it to be, to create a beautiful picture of the future. Own that responsibility.
  • Assess its value. Is the work important to you? If not, you might wanna ask yourself why you’re doing it. If it IS important to you, dig deeper: why is it important? What does it bring you and others? Remembering this can help you get real and get serious.
  • Ask yourself: How can getting a little more serious help me? Will I produce better content? Achieve my goals? Help more people? Sometimes, we think we don’t need to get serious to complete our work. Remembering why you might need to could help you recommit.
  • Read Steven Pressfield’s “War of Art” . If that doesn’t kick your ass into gear, I don’t know what will! If you don’t feel like getting the book (though I highly recommend it), check out this visual book summary.

When I talk about taking your work seriously, I don’t mean pounding away at your computer for hours on end with nothing but a ruffled brow and an endless cup of coffee by your side. That would suck. And then you’d have to revisit my last post and lighten up.

What I’m talking about is the level of investment in your work, your commitment level. How much does it mean to you? Is it important to you? It has to be somewhat important, or you’ll never keep at it. As my coach told me, people won’t achieve what they don’t value.

So remember the value in your work. Set a schedule, do a little planning, work consistently. And for cryin’ out loud, don’t forget to laugh. ;)

 

Peace, love and a steaming cup of Zen,

- K

 

P.S. Hangin’ out on either end of the serious-spectrum is no good. I think I’ve found my balance – tune in next time to set your scale straight!

Categories: Empowerment, Intent, Procrastination | 4 Comments »

Apr 23 2012

Are You Taking Your Work Too Seriously? Try These Tips and Lighten Up!

by Kaylee

There’s something to be said for “going pro.” 

It’s an idea I first encountered in Stephen Pressfield’s “War of Art,” and I loved it!

Going pro means taking your work seriously: setting a schedule, showing up consistently and beating resistance every time. It’s a great way to get work done.

But can you be too serious when it comes to work?

I think so.

Last week, I experienced more success with my blog than I was used to. Traffic was picking up and more visitors were commenting than ever before. I should’ve been thrilled.

And I was! But I was also scared, because with this victory came pressure. I started to take my work too seriously.

“Oh damn…People are reading now, and commenting…You MUST succeed!!”

I became a little frantic, a tad uncomfortable. I wasn’t used to the attention and the progress. It threw me off and made me realize that maybe this is the real deal. Maybe ZenCaffeine really will be what I want.

That was scary - SO scary that I avoided writing all of last week.

But after a nudge from my grandpa (thanks, gramps!) to get writing again (he missed his Zen, he said :) ), I’m back, and feeling a little more comfortable.

However, I must remain vigilant. I could start to take my work too seriously again at any time, so I’ve come up with a list of symptoms to look out for.

Here are some signs that you might be taking your work too seriously:

  • You’re paralyzed. Afraid to act. You can’t move forward and do the work because you’re making it such a big deal that you’re afraid to fail.
  • You can’t imagine quitting. I’m not sayin’ you should think about throwing in the towel every day, but if you’re putting all your eggs in THAT basket – you might be taking it too seriously and closing yourself off to other great ideas.
  • You’re stressed out. Stress happens, but if you’re feelin’ it constantly, something’s wrong.
  • You’re inflexible. Your mom’s 70th birthday is this weekend, but you can’t take her out because you HAVE TO write that post. That’s a little extreme, but if you can’t take unscheduled breaks once in a while, you might be taking it too seriously.
  • You don’t find joy in your work. This kinda goes along with being stressed out. If you’re not enjoying yourself most of the time, why are you doing it?
  • You’re scared by success. Things finally start going well and, rather than feeling joy and moving forward, you screech to a halt.

Have you experienced any of these? How did you combat them?

Here are some of my tips to lighten up when things get too heavy:

  • Look at the big picture. It’s likely a long journey from where you are to where you wanna be. Why take every little step so seriously? You don’t have to tread so carefully – try skipping for a while!
  • Have a little fun! Make a list of all of the things you really enjoy doing – things that may not have any other purpose than to make you smile. On mine are: watching kid movies, going dancing, playing video games. Enjoy one of yours, forget about work for a minute.
  • Try a little flexibility. Can you work outside today? Would it hurt to take a longer lunch and invite a friend? Try something outside of your routine today. Notice how the world doesn’t end.
  • Imagine other possibilities. It’s normal to be attached to your dream – it’s like your baby! Trust me, I get it. But shake loose that attachment for just a sec, and imagine other possibilities. What else could you be successful at? If you weren’t doing this, how else could you express your passion? It may feel uncomfortable, like you’re abandoning your dream – but you’re not. You’re simply recognizing that there are other options. When you can recognize this, it takes the pressure off.
  • Answer this question: What if I fail? What if your current dream doesn’t work out? What if your blog falls apart or you quit? What if your business doesn’t produce profit? You may come up with a horrible scenario, but remember: the end of one thing can be the beginning of another. If you fail, so what? It’s not the end of the world – it’s the beginning of a new one. Accepting the possibility of failure relieves some of the anxiety you feel when you think you must succeed.
  • Take a break. Whether you like it or not, breaks are necessary to maintain your sanity. If you can’t bring yourself to take them on a whim, pencil ‘em in: from 1pm-2m, for example, nothing work-related allowed. If you’re super stressed, could you take a weekend off? Or even a few hours? The work will always be waiting; don’t let it stop you from taking care of yourself.
  • Change your attitude about success. Take it with a grain of salt. Let it excite you and fuel you, but don’t let it intimidate you. Appreciate it for what it is, smile at it and recognize that there will be more of it.
  • “Instead of focusing on how much you can accomplish, focus on how much you can absolutely love what you’re doing.” - Leo Babauta

It can be tough to lighten up when it comes to your work. It’s your heart and soul, your passion – that’s serious biz!

But remember: it’s also your joy.

Or it should be! If you’ve lost that bliss, join me in reclaiming it.

You’ve already heard some of my ideas…Now let me hear yours in the comments!

What do you do when you’re taking your work too seriously? How do you get outside of yourself and lighten up?

Peace, love and a steaming cup of Zen,

-K

Categories: Empowerment, Feeling Stuck?, Intent, Living Your Dream | 20 Comments »

Apr 18 2012

Are You Believing These Lies About Introverts?

by Kaylee

Are you an introvert or an extrovert? (Not sure? Click here to take the quiz.)

 

Did your results annoy you as much as mine did?

I know I’m an introvert, but out of curiosity, I took the quiz. This is what I got:

100% Introvert:

You avoid people at all costs

You aren’t one for social interaction

And you limit your interaction to a select few

Thank God for self checkout!

 

Uh. Really now?

I absolutely resent that. Some of them have nuggets of truth, but are hidden behind unfair exaggeration. And this is the reason for my post.

I think there are a lot of misconceptions out there about introverts, and I’d like to clear the air.

Let’s start by defining introversion and extraversion. There are plenty of sites and in-depth articles that dive deeper into this, but I’m gonna make it easy.

It’s as simple as answering this question: When you’re in a social setting for a while, generally, how do you feel? Energized or depleted?

Energized: extrovert

Depleted: Introvert

If you’re still not sure, or would like more details, check out this link. Or this one.

If you’re an introvert – stellar, me too! Then this one’s for you. If you’re an extrovert, I’m not hatin’ – you’re totally welcome here. In fact, I’d love for you to read on and hear your take.

So you know, at the most basic, objective level, how introverts and extroverts differ.

I can’t speak from the shoes of an extrovert. (Well, I suppose I could slip into an extrovert’s shoes, but I don’t imagine that’d have the same effect…)

I don’t know what it’s like to be one. But I can give you a little perspective on life as an introvert.

Being an introvert can be hard, especially as a 24 year-old, supposedly in my partying prime.

Making new friends is quite the challenge - always ducking invites to go out to loud, crowded gatherings, when I’d rather go to a quiet, one-on-one dinner.

How about job interviews? Don’t even get me started. Just check out some recent job postings – how many of them are looking for a quiet, reflective individual who works well alone? ZE-RO. It’s all about extraversion – you gotta be outgoing, work well in groups, be a real go-getter.

Oh and dating? I’m glad to be out of that messy scene. Most men, especially my age, are not down for the introversion. You gotta know how to party, be a social butterfly, and stay out ’til the sun bids you goodnight.

Being an introvert, in itself, is draining. When the extroverts of the world expect you to party when all you wanna do is curl up and read a good book, that pressure can really get to you.

Can you relate?

I bet, then, that you can also relate to some of the crap-tastic “facts” you’ve heard about introverts. You know, these:

  1. Introverts are shy. Mmm, nope. Shy people are shy. An introvert could be shy, or vice versa, but one doesn’t necessarily indicate the other. Introverts aren’t necessarily afraid of interacting with others, they just like doing it in a different way.
  2. Introverts are boring.  This is totally unfair. You know what I say? Different strokes for different folks. Maybe extroverts have a different idea of fun, but that doesn’t make me boring by default. I happen to think that introverts are fabulous and fascinating (biased, maybe?). So maybe we don’t go out all the time, or stay for the whole party – but when we’re there, we’re awesome.
  3. Introverts are anti-social. Maybe I don’t want to hang with friends every single day, but it doesn’t mean I never want to. Introverts like to be social too, just not all day every day.
  4. Introverts hate talking. False…ish. I don’t hate all talking. I’ll be honest, I’m not a huge fan of small talk – too much of it is draining. But engage me in deep conversation on something I’m passionate about? Good luck shutting me up. It’s all about what kind of talking we’re doing. Introverts tend to be quiet because they don’t speak for the sake of speaking. We wait until we have something we really wanna say.
  5. Introverts are depressed. Maybe some are – but so are some extroverts. The assumption is that, because we’re quiet and withdrawn, we must be depressed. I’m glad to report that this is absolutely not true – I’m perfectly content, blissful even, when I’m alone with a good book. Nothin’ sad about it.
  6. Introverts are lonely. There’s a huge difference between alone and lonely. Lonely is when you want company but can’t find any, when you crave human connection but find yourself lacking. Introverts typically enjoy being alone – there’s nothin’ lonely about it to them.
  7. Introverts just need to get out more. Um, no, we don’t. In fact, we need to get out less. We absorb information quickly, and so easily become oversaturated and overstimulated. Getting out more is the opposite of what we need. Besides, this “factoid” suggests that we are “fixable.” Sorry, extraverted world, but there’s nothin’ to fix here. Shock therapy isn’t gonna change your nature, so please don’t try. (I’ve done it – it doesn’t go well.)

These are just a few of the myths that have plagued me for most of my life. Because of them, for a long time, I resented myself for being an introvert.

I thought there was something wrong with me – why couldn’t I stay out in a crowd until 2am? Why did I start getting spacey and withdrawn after a few hours?

As far as I was concerned, I was the worst 20-something ever.

That’s a thought I still sometimes battle. When I’m at a get-together and I clam up after a while, when I’d prefer to stay in and read on a Friday night…I start to beat myself up.

Whyyyy can’t I just be extraverted like everyone else?! my ego whines.

Because I’m not. And as I’ve learned, the comparison game isn’t doing anybody any favors.

I’ll just let them do their thing and I’ll do mine…even if that is playing the Sims 3 alone on a Saturday night. (guilty pleasure!)

Join me, friends, and bask in your introverted glory!

Peace, love and a steaming cup of Zen,

- K

 

p.s. I don’t want this to be an us-against-them kinda thing. Extroverts and introverts alike have unique contributions to make in this world. I just feel that my fellow introverts can be…misunderstood. And I wanted to offer some clarification. Extroverts out there, I love you too. ;)

Categories: Authenticity, Empowerment, Uncategorized | 13 Comments »

Apr 9 2012

Not Sure What Your Ideal World Looks Like? Ask This Critical Question.

by Kaylee

Hey folks!

So I was reflecting on my most recent post, and it dawned on me:

You might not know what your ideal world looks like!

That’s totally okay. I didn’t always know either.

I thought I wanted to work in a corporate office, then social services. City livin’ was calling to me, then the country. A 9-5 sounded appealing, but so did evening hours.

It sucks, not knowing what your big picture looks like. You feel directionless, frustrated, disenchanted. It’s like you don’t think you’ll ever find your right path because you don’t even know what you’re looking for.

But you do. You know, somewhere in your soul, what you need to be doing for fulfillment. It just might take some uncovering.

Aside from the numerous books, articles and exercises, there was one question that was instrumental in my discovery process:

What don’t you like about your life right now?

I know, I know. I’m usually all about positivity – but this is negativity with a purpose. If you’re not sure of what you DO want, try thinking about what you DON’T want.

Not crazy about your job? Dig deeper: what don’t you like about it? Is it the 8 hours at a desk? The lack of teamwork? Or is there too much teamwork and you’d rather work solo?

Really get in there. For the first and likely the only time, I’m asking you to go totally Negative Nancy on me. What is really annoying about your life?

Your lover? Your family? Your car? The climate you live in? The company you keep? The state of your health? How you spend your free time?

Resist the temptation to get irritated. We’re just taking inventory here. ;)

Ok, you feelin’ good and pessimistic? (Sorry, we’ll fix it!) Drumroll please, we’re about to get positive…

Flip the “don’t likes” and you’ll likely get what you do like. Easy, right?

Hate sitting at a desk all day? Your ideal world probably involves work that allows you flexibility to move. Cold climate making you wanna snap your snow shovel in half? Your ideal world might include sunnier skies and warmer breezes.

You get the point – just take the annoyances, flip ‘em, and bam! You’re painting a picture of your ideal world.

I know it’s tempting to get frustrated at everything you don’t have. But pleeeease, don’t! That was so not my intention for this exercise. The intention was for you to have a starting point.

Don’t go from frustratingly lost to frustratingly overwhelmed by lack. You’re not lacking – you now have a starting point!

So you’ve done the exercise, and now you have a slight idea of what you wanna do. Great! But you’re not done. You’re smart, I think you know what’s next:

ACTION!

Taking action has been the biggest tool for me in painting a clear image of my big picture.

After reading tons of books and doing tons of exercises last summer, I still wasn’t totally sure of what my ideal world looked like. I had a vague idea – writing seemed appealing, as did public speaking and life coaching. But it definitely wasn’t solidified in my mind.

I took action anyway. I brainstormed blog names, registered a domain name and set up my blog. Before I knew it, I was writing.

My coach told me about Toastmasters, so I started attending meetings. I was curious about life coaching, so I read some books on the subject. I hated feeling overweight and unhealthy, so I started making small changes in the direction of my ideal (good health).

As I’ve moved along, my picture has become much clearer. I have a very good idea of what I wanna be doing, what I want my life to look like. When I notice something in my life that I’m not crazy about, I flip it into a positive and start taking action.

Action is where opportunity lies. You can only do so many exercises and answer so many questions before you just have to get moving.

You might find things you don’t like, but you’ll also find what you LOVE. It’s like mining for precious gems. You’ll hafta pick through a lot of crap, but in the process, you’ll also find the good stuff. Just keep throwin’ that axe. You’re bound to strike gold.

Peace, love and a steaming cup of Zen,

- K

Categories: Empowerment, Feeling Stuck?, Living Your Dream, Uncategorized | 16 Comments »

Apr 6 2012

Forget the “Real World” – What’s Your Ideal World?

by Kaylee

The real world has a pretty set standard for what your life should look like:

Takin’ a break from the real world.

Get good grades, go to a good college, get a good job (so you can pay off those good-debt student loans), marry a good spouse, have good kids, live a good life.

Raise your hand if any of that made you cringe.

Yeah, me too.

Let me be clear: there’s nothing inherently wrong with any of that. I’ve done some of ‘em myself. The problem is that so many people fall short.

They aim for a good life – doesn’t everyone? But then, life happens – the “real world” biz kicks in.

People stay in jobs they hate because it pays the bills, stick with lousy spouses and look forward to retirement – when they’re finally free to really do what they want.

I get it. Bills need to be paid, vows need to be honored – but there is room for improvement. You don’t have to accept crappy conditions and say, “That’s life.” It doesn’t need to be.

So if you’re like me, disenchanted with the “real world,” let’s try something else.

Let’s forget the real world – what’s your ideal world?

Close your eyes and think about it for a minute or several. Immerse yourself in it. What does your ideal world look like?

What do you do for work? For play? Who do you work and play with? How are your relationships? Your health? Your home?

Ok, open up.

Is reality stacking up to what you just imagined? If so – hooray! Congrats!!

If not – don’t worry, you’re not alone.

It’s easy to get frustrated when your reality doesn’t match your ideal world. But please, bypass the temptation to get mad, and instead get inspired.

So maybe you’re not at your ideal job, in an ideal relationship, in an ideal location. But you do have something that’ll help you get there: a vision.

In visualizing your ideal world, you now have a clear picture of what it is you want.

And guess what you can do with a clear picture?

Yup. Baby steps.

Want to be a writer but stuck in sales? Take a baby step – write for an hour on weekends. Crave a closer relationship with your parents? Take a baby step – call just to say hi.

Anything that’ll move you in the direction of your ideal world is the right step.

I know how tough it can be – just a few hours ago I was getting cranky because I’m not in my ideal world. I SO wanted a nap, but didn’t have the self-employment to allow it. I was ready to be tired and lazy, to wallow in mild self-pity for a bit.

But then my guy inspired me. He reminded me to live my dream today, to not be tied down by what I want to escape from.

He’s right…And so here I am, taking a baby step. With help, I’ve shaken off the frustration and have turned it into fuel. I hope you have someone in your life who can keep you going. If not, let me remind you: forget how frustrating reality might be, look at your ideal world, and take a step in that direction – today.

Your reality might not ever be perfect. In fact, I can almost guarantee it won’t be – perfection doesn’t exist. But if you keep moving towards your ideal, you just might wake up one day and be surprised at how close you are.

Peace, love and a steaming cup of Zen,

- K

Categories: Empowerment, Feeling Stuck?, Living Your Dream, Uncategorized | 6 Comments »

Apr 5 2012

If I Hear “Welcome to the Real World” One More Time…

by Kaylee

I think it must be a rite of passage to hear “welcome to the real world!” at least 100 times as you become an adult.

The particular time I’m thinking of is when I worked at the cube farm. I was venting about how unhappy I was, trading my time for money at an organization I cared nothing about. Guess what I got?

Yup. The head leaning, sympathy-oozing “welcome to the real world!”

Ugh. Politely, I bit my tongue and tried to keep my eyes from rolling.

Seriously?

Don’t welcome me to this hell hole. If the “real world” means exchanging my valuable time for money, at a place where I’m miserable, for people I don’t respect, selling a product I don’t value, then I want no part of it.

The real world can kiss my ass.

I don’t know why people think that the “real world” is supposed to equal misery. Like it makes sense  that working a job you hate, struggling, doing what you’re “supposed to” versus what you love, is the real deal.

That’s…gross. I’m legitimately disgusted by the thought.

Maybe I take such offense because I’m a dreamer, forever living in my own idealistic world. Some may some I’m just not practical.

To that I say: what-ever! Idealism does not cancel out practicality. Plenty of people make a living doing what they love. Besides, how practical is it to live your life, the only one you have for now, doing anything other than living your dream?!

I understand that it can be hard to see beyond the “real world.” It’s what we’re conditioned to see and experience. It’s what we’re supposed to do.

It’s only fairly recently that I rejected the idea of living in the real world…It takes time, growth, empowerment and action to truly believe that you can live outside the box.

And that, my friends, is the alternative to this “real world” of which they speak: make your own world! Pave your own way.  Discover your passion and live it.

Maybe your passion IS to go to college, climb the corporate ladder, get married. Fantastic! Go for it! But I have this nagging feeling that for most of us, there’s something else we’d rather be doing.

And that’s the point. Don’t give in to the “real world” just because it’s what you’re supposed to do. If there’s something else you’d rather do, make it happen.

Forget the real world. What’s your ideal world? Get out there and create it!

 

Peace, love and a steaming cup of Zen,

- K

Categories: Empowerment, Intent, Living Your Dream | 2 Comments »

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